Present and Connected or... Not?

Mindless (definition): “Acting or done without justification or concern for the consequences.”

Mindful (definition): “The quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.”

When the Bible meets neurology, it sounds something like this to me:

“The general tendency of our hearts – especially the PFC (pre-frontal cortex) – is toward deceit and hiding the truth (the depth of our emotion, memory, and relational patterns, as well as the reality of a God who loves us beyond belief) from ourselves and others. Its general trajectory, when left to its own volition, is to disconnect within itself and from other hearts.” (p170, Anatomy of the Soul)

Sounds ridiculous, right? I mean, who would knowingly head aimlessly toward disconnection?

I put away my iphone for lent, in the hope of learning to become less distracted, more mindful, and spend more quality time with God and with people. In other words, more connected.

In the course of the past weeks, though I’ve discovered that as much as I like people – and God – it’s not my natural bent. Even in the absence of my electronic mind-numbing-device, I’ve found other ways to distract my mind from the harder work of intentionality and connection.

TV in the evening

Facebook surfing

Playing solitaire

Sometimes all three at once…

Why is being intentionally present and connected to God and others so stinking difficult?

Doctor Curt Thompson states in his book “Anatomy of the Soul”:

“The degree to which we set our minds on – pay attention to – those desires of the sinful nature tends to dis-integrate our minds by encouraging a state of mindlessness. One – if not the – primal sinful “desire” is the urge for instant reduction of distressing emotions. We tend to turn away from unpleasant emotional states toward inner or outer mental or behavioral means that will disconnect us from or eliminate those very states… When we do this, we pay less attention to what is happening in our minds. We then tend to respond to internal or external events with sinful thoughts and behaviors. When our minds are set on these things, it does not lead to death. According to Paul, it is death. Death is that state of dis-integration, disconnection, and isolations that leads to everything that is wrong in the universe. And according to Paul, you don’t have to be without a pulse to be dead.” (p 178)

Wow. Especially those last two sentences.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that watching TV, or surfing Facebook, or playing solitaire are sinful. However, the fight against the desire to “get away from it all,” to “check out” – especially when life gets a bit more chaotic, the unpleasant emotions are many, and the voice of the enemy comes in like a flood – is not an easy battle. Paying attention to the unpleasant emotions is, well, unpleasant. When I feel rejected, under-valued, and overwhelmed by all the things that are wrong in the world that I have no control over – my first thought isn’t “why am I feeling this way?” or “What is true, and what is not true in this situation?” Nope, I just want to not feel badly – and that translates most of the time into just wanting to “not feel.”

However, if “life in abundance” is superior to “survival,” and true “peace” is better than “numbness,” then it’s worth struggling for.

So today, I’m going to put away my laptop and sit with God in a quiet place, and ask Him what’s on His heart. I’m going to check in with myself and ask myself why that situation the other day made me feel so crappy, when I know the people on the other end of it had no idea or intention of hurting me – and ask God to remind me of the truth of His love for me, and who He has created me to be. I’m going to stop procrastinating, and reach out to that friend and check in, let them know that they are worth caring for. Today I’m going to step toward connection, and not away from it, just because mindlessness is easier in the short run, but much more painful in the long run.  

What steps will you take today toward connection with God? What steps can you take today toward connection with others? Instead of “coping strategies,” are there “healing strategies” that you can engage in that will start you on the path to a more abundant life, which is what Jesus promises (John 10:10)?

Week 2: On Failure

Yesterday I failed really well: I messed up on a major part of my job right now – filing reimbursement requests for people on the field. I miss-filed, miss-directed and made a general royal mess of things. Not just once. But repeatedly. And my first response was the familiar feelings of panic and shame – “What are you even doing here?” “People are going to think you’re incapable, and not really cut out for this,” and “It’s not really my fault, my training was super-fast.”

Have you ever failed before? Or felt like you were failing? Inadequate for the task? Even incompetent?

How do you respond when you aren’t performing well at the task given? Do you want to curl into a ball, give up, quit and look to do something else? Do you brush it off, ignore it and look to distract yourself with things you like? Do you become defensive? Perhaps look to see who else may be at fault that you can share the blame with? Do you berate yourself, and tell yourself what a failure you are? How do feel when you know that someone in authority over you is aware of your failings?

I had a friend who thought that if she didn’t beat herself over the head, she’d never learn. Unfortunately, none of us learn well that way – not when someone else is demeaning us, nor when we’re demeaning ourselves. This past year, God spoke deeply to my heart about the performance trap – needing to do well, all the time, in order to validate myself in front of others. The reason that it’s a trap, is that it leaves no room for learning and growth – “if you can’t do it perfectly at first, then why even try?” – and how many people are good the first time at everything they put their hand to? If you’ve been with those who think they are, they can sometimes be demanding and grace-less when it comes to others around them. I know, because I’ve been one of them – a perfectionist caught in the snare of pride in my abilities, and shame in my shortcomings.

If you recognize yourself at all in this, then let me share what God spoke to me last Summer: “Your value is not determined by your performance,” and “You can’t earn love or grace.” Read those one more time, because this is huge: our value isn’t determined by others’ opinion of us, or of how we perceive others’ opinion of us; it’s not determined by how well or how poorly we come out in comparison to others. Our value is determined by, and only by, what God says about us.  And He has counted me – and you – worth His own life: the mystery of the only Son of God, God himself, given in our place for our shortcomings, and sin. The value He places on us, has everything to do with His opinion of us, His relentless love for us, and nothing to do with our performance, or our ability to earn that love.

So, what’s the big deal? The big deal, I believe, is that we can’t step into our purpose unless we’re willing to learn and grow. And learning and growth almost always have to come through failure, through the grace to get up and try again.  If we’re not willing to fail, and admit to failure, we won’t take the risks needed to grow – and we’ll remain stunted in one area or another of our lives. And God’s purpose in us will remain stunted and unfulfilled as well. Not to mention that living in pride, fear and shame is not a fun thing.

 

The encouraging thing is that after 44 years, I am learning!  I am encouraged – I did fail – super well. But at the end of the day, I was able to recognize the fear and the shame, name it, and reject it. I’m not “a failure,” I just have a chance to own up to my own short-comings (I could have asked questions, and waited instead of plowing ahead, trying to fix things myself), and to grow. And growth is good. Not painless, but really good. How else will we become like a tree planted by streams of living water, bearing fruit in season and out, if we’re not willing - or able - to grow?